Hi all,
I contemplated splitting up this post into several but opted to just let it flow out and share with you whats been happening in my world and why I took a break from posting since sometime in August…
It was a very strange summer – My dear Rob found out he was sick – had his surgery and completed the treatment he needed (he is doing really well now – thanks for all the well wishes everyone). That took most of our “band width” for June and July – though I did do a few posts back then. He also got a new job in the midst of all that which is thankfully, also going well. All in all, we feel very fortunate. It’s a difficult time for so many right now and we are often reminded to be grateful for our lives, each other and all the beauty in the world. These days, it is just so easy to focus on what’s “wrong” because there seems to be so much “wrong”! We have several other dear friends who are also struggling with illness/difficulties and it just seemed to be a theme this summer for so many loved ones. Still there is always much to inspire and even amidst, and indeed sometimes because of the challenges, the love and light that infuses who we are as human beings is sweeter and more appreciated. We continue to offer our support and love to these friends and family members as they continue on their journeys.
Other than supporting our loved ones, and Rob’s continuing recuperation, August and September were almost solely about completing a CD that was started several years ago but got interrupted. And then also starting and completing another CD in collaboration with Master Yoga Foundation (www.masteryoga.org). I spent hours and hours through those weeks, everyday, in the studio, recording, editing, and learning more than I ever dreamed I could about engineering. In the past, I have always had someone else do the engineering part but this time – I learned to do it myself – with lots of consults with my 2 sons and major moral and other support from EJ and of course Rob- THANKS GUYS!
During this same period, I also had the great joy of attending the beautiful birth of little Fabrizio C… the dear, new little brother of my friend Thomas and new little son of wonderful friends, Bob and Cate. It was an honor and a pleasure to help this little being into the world and as they say here in Paris – “BRAVO” to Fabrizio’s mama – that was the fastest birth on record, that I have ever attended!
On the other end of the spectrum – but equally as beautiful and life-changingly moving, I lost my 93 year old grandmother on September 22. We discovered that she was in an advanced stage of pancreatic cancer early in September and my siblings and I all made it down to Nashville to say goodbye. She was surrounded by her MANY devoted friends, and family and mercifully and miraculously, she was able to be at home and though she didn’t feel well, she didn’t have pain!
I was feeling very overwhelmed with the CD projects as we had a strict deadline of Oct 3 to get the projects finished and the masters of the CDs as well as artwork all over to the duplication company (DiskMakers) so that they would be ready to be released by Oct 20th just in time for the Svaroopa Yoga Conference that will take place the weekend or Oct. 21. And at the same time, I felt very pulled to go see my grandmother and even more – to support my mother (who is one of the dearest people on the planet – a very loving and patient only daughter – of my grandmother - as well as an awesome mother – my mother – for which I am eternally grateful!). If I had had any doubt about it being the right thing to do to go down to Nashville, regardless of my work pressures… they completely evaporated the moment I saw my grandmother’s expression when I walked into her room. In that moment, she made me feel like I was the most important person on the planet – I knew there was no where else I wanted to be and was so very grateful that I had made it in time to be with her and tell her how much I loved her and appreciated who she was and what an impact she’d had in my life. She was one of the most loving, kind, compassionate and simply service oriented people I have ever known. It just seemed to come naturally to her to help people in need, to do what she could to help make others lives easier, better. What an inspiration… the doctors were telling us that it would be a matter of a few weeks and we had by that time, called hospice, who were checking in every couple days.
I stayed in Nashville for few days but felt I had to get home to continue to work day and night on the music projects. It was very, very hard to leave…but I rallied my inner resolve and headed home. By this time, I had completed Lila, the joyful sequel (with some delightfully meditative tracks that close the album) to my CD Kirtan Equation : 
and was deep into my work on Patanjali: 
It was an intense and beautiful experience and I felt that the heart opening of being with my grandmother (and family in Nashville) informed the project in a some very special ways. This music, combined with Patanjali yoga sutras was created to support fellow yoga teachers with appropriate and effective music to play during classes – and to support yoga practitioners primarily, in their yoga classes/practice and to encourage deep connection with the inner Divine and deep relaxation. One of the sutras on the album talks about “relaxation of effort and meditation on the Limitless”…what a perfect way to approach life…AND death (and most everything in between!) It was so timely to be effectively meditating on this sutra in the form of creating and recording the Patanjali. Thanks to Kaya Mindlin for suggesting the sutra and to her and her husband Michael for helping me learn how to pronounce it! ( I think I hit is most of the time on the CD! It’s a work in progress!)
I had been home for about 3 days, speaking to my parents everyday for updates (My dad’s 105 year old mother during this same time, fell and broke her hip in Lexington KY where she lives so my dad had to drive to be with her for a bit – she’s hanging in there to date!). What a time for my parents – exhausting and utterly overwhelming.
Mom informed me on Tuesday Oct 20, that the Hospice nurse had been with them that afternoon and that she estimated that my grandmother had 3 – 4 days to live. I knew in that moment, just hearing my mom’s voice that I needed to go back down. It made no sense in terms of my work load but at the same time, these kinds of things never “make sense” and it made no sense for me NOT to be there - to support my mother and my grandmother as she passed. I made my reservations and planned to get as much done as I could by Thursday afternoon and then catch a plane. So that is what I did. The experience was one of depth of presence, of love, of appreciation, gratitude and a sense of the vulnerability of so much of what we so often identify with as being our life. And as I worked on the CD and repeated the sutras over and over for the project, I had a deep awareness of that which is ever present and NEVER changing. What a gift!
When I arrived at the airport Thursday evening, they had no record of my reservation and I realized I had mistakenly made the reservation for Friday instead of Thursday! I looked at the woman and said – “I must get on that plane, my grandmother is dying and wants me there…is there a seat for me?” She looked at me then typed in something on her computer and said” that will be $35 extra” I was so relieved! I paid and practically flew to the gate. The plane was an hour late in taking off. I felt very tuned into what was happening – on some level, in Nashville. I was aware that I really wanted to be there before my grandmother passed but found myself having an inner dialogue with her that went something like this…”I really want to see you before you go, but I want you to go when you are ready, but I would really like to be with you, but I don’t want to hold you up” etc…
Finally the flight took off and made it to Nashville about 9 pm. I walked into my grandmothers room at about 9:30 PM. My little sister, my mom, and my moms two cousins were hanging out in my grandmothers room. I could see she was further along in the process of letting go just by looking at her. Her breathing was labored and they told me it had been for a while. I started to unpack, one of my moms cousins went home and my mom was going to sleep in another room (she’d hardly left my grandmothers bedside since I had left on Sunday and needed a break from her vigil). My sister and I would sleep in with Grandmama that night with instructions from my mom to let her know if ANYTHING changed. I was getting my suitcase from the living room and when I came back in, my sister pointed out that Grandmama’s breathing had changed (she’d been unconscious for a about 36 hours). We recalled that we’d read about this new kind of breathing in the booklet Hospice had given us and we quickly looked it up…it said “minutes before death”. I ran to get my mom who had gone off to get ready for bed – and her cousin who was staying over and my grandmother’s brother who was also staying over. We gathered around her bed and began to sing to her and tell her it was ok to go, that we would all be ok, and that we would take good care of my mom … We loved on her, held her hands, kissed her and sang and sang and sang…at some point about 10 minutes into all of this, she closed her mouth and took her last breath~ So peaceful, so calm, so simple and beautiful. It was one hour after I arrived…I know she waited for me, the dear woman waited till I got there.
I have attended one other dying person before in my life a few years ago. It was then that I experienced just how similar birth and death are…as though they are the same doorway: one is just moving through it in a different direction depending on the situation.
I continue to be so grateful to my grandmother for all she has taught me, without my even realizing it, and how even in her death, she continues to teach me so much. I have gained so much new understanding about life, from attending her death. She helped me be in touch with what is important about this life…letting go of non-essentials, becoming even more rooted in compassion for others and so much more. My heart was and is so full. Thank you Dorothy Mae and to her daughter, my mom, Bettie Deen who carries on her mother’s GREAT LEGACY of love to everyone she touches.
Once again I returned home to complete Patanjali with my heart even MORE open. The project for the most part went really smoothly and was a profoundly deepening endeavor. Thank you especially to EJ, Elijah, Ariel, Phil, Kemm, and to Donna – All of whom were essential in the process of completing this work.
I haven’t even mentioned my painting, the hurricane or taking my younger son off to college - milestones really, amazing events, that could warrent their own blog posts, that marked this time period as well! And oh yes, Paris…did I mention that is where I am now?? – From the 6th – the 18th my dear in laws invited Rob and I to accompany them to Paris. We created this plan way back in June when Rob got his diagnosis and we all needed a lift. I couldn’t have known how amazing the timing would be – Though I am looking forward to getting back home to spend some time with my mom as she grieves…Still, we have needed this break, even though we are both still working some while here, Paris is feeding our souls with her history, her food, long walks on her lovely river Seine and most of all, her incredible aesthetic…the beauty is astounding.
Here I will close with a photo montage of some of what went on in my world these last couple months…
Bisous ~ A bientot,
Clair
This slideshow requires JavaScript.
